The Crimp Serjeant
The Morning Chronicle (August 28, 1813)
The bed of honour is a pretty spot,
For heroes to lie down and rot,
And war's a very noble game,
At which Kings play at arms and legs
Of soldiers, who thenceforward walk on pegs,
And Mister CROKER doth such feats proclaim—
So do Crimp Serjeants —'tis their bounden duty
To call grim-visaged carnage, Beauty;
Murder and Rapine very pretty jobs,
And knocking brains out of our neighbours' nobs
A famous enterprize, sublime and glorious,
And all is fair, if we but prove victorious.
Serjeant MALONE, an Irishman, had drank
More whiskey than would fill a tank,
His soul to a consumption had been worn
With all the oaths that he had sworn;
He had a wife in every town,
And bastards in profusion up and down;
He bilk'd more landladies than he had breath to count,
And poultry stole to an immense amount:—
Thus qualified, he up to Dublin hied,
And 'mongst the lanes and allies prowl'd and pried,
Of raw apprentices to make a prey,
Or country bumpkin at shop window stuck,
Or displaced footman, or bum-hunted buck,
And so cajole them in the usual way.
On Poor PAT CLOD at last his claw he laid—
PAT, of the Serjeant, was at first afraid;
But PAT was full of mischief and of fun,
And flattery finish'd what strong punch begun—
"Why, PAT, you're taller than myself by half!—
"And what a Roman's nose—and what a calf!—
"May Belzebub blow out my brains—
"You'll be a General in two campaigns!
"Pray do you know that German riding by—
"He in the regimentals?"—"No, not I."—
"There's, b---t my eyes! a pretty job of work:
"I listed him, not quite three years last May,
"And now he's General the Duke of YORK!!—
"And will not condescend to nod good day;—
"I don't deceive you, PADDY—look and see,
"He does not even seem to notice me.
"And that's the way, you handsome dog, you'll treat me,
"When you're a General, and chance to meet me!
"And yet you're of a generous disposition—
"Come, promise me, and that is all I ask,
"(And on the Staff 'twill be an easy task)
"You'll give my son CORNELIUS a commission."
PAT took the shilling, and e'er three months older,
He died in Portugal—a common soldier.